Good days for me don’t just include my son not melting down over a pair of pants he wants to wear 3 days in a row or my daughter losing her shit because she can’t find Rapunzel’s dress that’s lost in a pile of dirty clothes. Or my husband making it home in time for a family dinner and us all being able to spend time together before the kids go to bed. Or getting out the door on time in the morning without forgetting important items my son needs at school. Or getting personal goals accomplished in the midst of finishing a to-do list of household tasks in a time frame while keeping a toddler happy, fed & entertained.
Good days for me are the days when the night before I’ve actually slept more than 3 hours, while the other hours I’ve spent laying in bed over-analyzing every detail that pops up in my head. Days when I’m not pushing myself to get through with a pulsing migraine, because I get migraines frequently that last too long. Migraines that are immune to pain medication, quiet, darkness or or an extra nap for the day. Days I don’t feel like I’m up to my neck choking with anxiety, because when it happens I feel more than a bit helpless, hopeless, and weak. Days when I don’t feel a dark cloud looming over my head as I power through the day putting on my best performance of taking care of 2 busy toddlers while grasping at every straw to keep it together. Because this dark cloud is often accompanied with the lowest of low feelings & at its very bad moments at the very lowest, quite simply, thoughts of not being here..not existing..not living.
These last few types of days are ones that are hardest to deal with, when I feel like I’m literally trying to keep my head above water. Unfortunately I’ve struggled with the ‘dark cloud’ & the low feelings since I was a kid. While they may not be an everyday occurrence, they are still more frequent than not, spanning from moments to days. Times when I can only deal with the minimum and need to disconnect from as much as possible. Though I’ve come to accept these feelings of anxiety and depression (and even at the worst of times suicide) since I’ve struggled for so long keeping everything inside, I don’t want these set of feelings to be a norm for me any longer. Ignoring them for so long and not talking about them didn’t make them go away in grade 3, and it hasn’t helped up to my 26th year.
As being a mother is my most important title, being present with my children is a definite reason to being every bit of healthy as I can. Practicing good mental health had never been a strong suit of mine yet now I’m doing everything I can possible to be a better version of myself. To be open and accept help when I’m hanging on, so I can look forward to days not covered with a dark cloud.