As a child, I was the student in the class who didn’t attended birthday parties or play outside on the weekends. I didn’t go for play dates or sleepovers or on fun adventures with the kids in my class. There were multiplayer games that I’d play by myself many a time because I’d have no one at home to play them with. In all of these occurrences I’d wish I could be out enjoying the summer breeze, making snow forts in the winter or playing at the park with the other kids my age if only for a moment. While most kids were out building lifelong bonds and even learning the fundamentals for healthy relationships, I’d be finding any sort of understandable game to play with my baby brother or whatever else I could do to pass the time.
Although I’d spent most of the aforementioned time feeling sorry for myself, I became accustomed to the time spent alone. I could plug myself into the Walkman or computer listening to music until I’d fall asleep or lay in bed imagining all of the ways I’d hope life would change as I got older. I’d write in my diary, draw pictures or make a deck of playing cards to play solitaire. During the times I’d feel too much accumulated sorrow of all that was crushing an 11 year old’s spirit because loneliness wasn’t the only downer, crying and sleeping it off was what I did best.
The negative emotions that impacted me as a child didn’t fade away as I got older. Through my teenage years and into adulthood they lingered and affected many situations and relationships along the way. Still as the years went by, I’ve discovered healthier ways to battle bad days. Removing myself from uneasy situations, designating ‘me-time’ to recharge my battery, recollect my thoughts and mellow my mind. Checking in daily with my body and my mind for peaceful nights and days to follow.
After periods of my life spent dreading being alone as the world kept spinning, I’ve finally made peace with solitude.
One thing that is constant with growth is change.